


So Much I Want To Say

by FizzyCustard



Series: Leah and Rachel's Travels [2]
Category: The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Memories, Reminiscing, Sadness, Time Travel
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-17
Updated: 2016-10-17
Packaged: 2018-08-23 01:38:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,220
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8308762
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FizzyCustard/pseuds/FizzyCustard
Summary: (Part of the Leah and Rachel's Travels series) Rachel, the half-Dwarf daughter of Thorin and Leah has inherited her mother's power, the ability to time travel and cross worlds. But she can't let go of her parents who have both been dead now two years. She's left her twin brother, Thrain III, to rule Erebor as King and is still living in the shadows of her parents' pasts.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Goes along with the full length story 'Together' which has all the backstory of Leah, her appearance in Middle-earth and the reason behind her powers.

There was so much I wanted to say to both of them, but I couldn't interfere. I'd seen Mother as a child playing in the park and then watched in fascination as Father sat upon his grandfather, Thror's, lap, enjoying hearing old Dwarf tales. My whole existence had become caught up in a vicious cycle of needing to be close to them, but I'd always be so far away.

My gift that Mother had left me with was both a blessing and a curse; I got to live alongside them every day even though they had departed my world two years previously, but I couldn't tell them everything that I wanted to. I always had to hide away, wearing a hood or stand behind strangers, looking on in sadness.

I love you both so much and I know that Thrain misses you, too. He may now be King back in Erebor, having stepped into your shoes, Father, but I know he still loves you and Mother dearly, and lives in regret that he didn't show that love more when you were still here. Before I left for good I was too scared to tell him everything I wanted to, admitting to the fact that I always wished we had been closer. My twin brother should have been my closest friend and confident, but instead he'd always made me feel like I was lesser, falling into his shadow. I've always loved you, Thrain, but you never saw it. All you ever seemed to see was the fact that you were to be King, and now that you're without Mother, Father and I, where does that leave you?

I sat in the corner of the busy Prancing Pony inn, watching as Father walked in, pulling down his hood. Whenever I saw him in his younger years I understood why Mother adored him so much. He may have been my Father, but I could certainly recognise a handsome dwarf when I saw one. And Father had always been handsome. You were Mother's entire world and she told me on numerous occasions how she would gladly die for you, and nearly did.

The warmth wrapped around me from the fire which was burning a few feet away. Pairs of eyes would keep falling upon me every now and then; I always raised eyebrows, being a drifter in so many senses of the word. I didn't fit into one place. I had the power to move between Middle-earth and the world Mother had been born in, and I was also half dwarf. It was as though I didn't belong in any one place and would always be living in the in between.

Father reached for his sword as he noticed other patrons watching him closely; he had a good idea that people had been following him. I watched him as he'd discarded his bread and cheese and looked around suspiciously. Until Gandalf sat opposite him. I couldn't help but smile and realised that this had been the meeting upon which Gandalf had persuaded Father to take up the quest to re-take Erebor. I couldn't hear much of the conversation as I was sat the other side of the inn, trying to remain hidden, and so far neither Father or Gandalf had noticed my presence.

Tears welled in my eyes and I felt that all too familiar pain begin to spring forth again. Father had been gone now six years and Mother two. But I couldn't stop myself travelling back to see them, especially in their younger years around the time they'd first met. I'd seen Mother the week previously, a few days before she'd disappeared from her world and met Father and the Company on his quest. There was so much sadness inside her in those days and I knew what it had been down to: she was waiting for Father, whether she consciously knew it or not. Somewhere in her soul she knew that he was waiting for her as she was him. But only two days ago and I'd seen them both at their wedding feast, having their first dance inside the main hall. Mother had told me how nervous she had been back then, having never danced with another person before. Then she'd slipped away before the end of the feast, crying for the family she'd left behind, the family I'd never know. Father had come to her and held her tightly, kissing her head and told her he'd always be with her.

Part of me had always been jealous of Mother and Father's love. It had been so unbreakable, and that had been tested so much through their years together, but they'd still held strong.

I continued watching Father converse with Gandalf and began to think on those nights when Father would play his harp, easing Thrain and myself into sleep. I could still hear the sad tones and the tears finally began to roll down my cheeks. And I knew I couldn't hold on any more in this place. I had to go.

I got up quickly, almost knocking into an old man who was moving towards the closest table to me. He merely grunted under his breath and shot me an angry glance. When I turned to look back, Gandalf had disappeared, leaving Father on his own again. And there I saw the sadness again, the same sadness that had eat away at Mother before they both met. Then once they'd met it was though, coining the phrase people used back in Mother's world, _'the planets aligned'_. I'd seen Father sneak into his bedchamber which he shared with Mother and pull her into his arms, the love so obvious between them. They were content. And I really believe that back then if they'd have lost their places as King and Queen, they'd have still been happy just being together. No one else had seen just how in love they both were.

One night still played in my mind, a night which was cold and stormy just before Mother had passed. I think she knew then that she was ready to go and meet with Father again in the afterlife. She'd been talking about him more often as when he passed she'd found it incredibly hard to mention it without breaking down. Her hair was pure white showing her years, yet her skin was soft and only held a very slight trace of age in it.

“ _I had to make sure I held on longer than him, Rachel. He made me promise him one night that I would never leave him, and so I was adamant I wouldn't. Over the years it's always been me losing him; I saw him fall in battle at the hands of Azog, succumb to the Dragon Sickness and then take his last breath when he'd finally completed everything that he needed to. I've never spoken of it, but he's broken my heart so many times...”_

You may not realise it, Mother, but you are the strongest person I have ever known. And I hope one day I can be like you. I'm proud that I got the chance to know such a wonderful woman as you, and that you were mine. I wish it was so easy to let go of you and Father....

 


End file.
